Are you and your spouse having the same fight over and over? Are you concerned resentments are growing? For some couples, a deep disagreement can resurface over and over again because it never gets resolved. This is actually a very common occurrence in many relationships. If you and your partner are having the same fight, it could be happening for a number of different reasons. Below are some common reasons that may be causing your fight to be recycled rather than resolved.
Underlying reasons that can cause the same fight
- One or both of you is triggering a core issue in the other. If one of you has a wound that has not been healed such as a fear of abandonment than the issue can get triggered again and again. Fights about one partner being away too long or insecurities triggered by the fear of abandonment can cause the same conflict over and over again.
- You learned from your own parents that conflict can never be resolved. Our parents teach us how relationships work. Growing up in a high conflict household can cause up to believe conflicts cannot be resolved. Further, we never had the opportunity to learn how what compromise and a healthy relationship looks like.
- You have differences between you that are simply unresolvable. This can happen if you hold different ideologies or natures. For example, one of you may be an introvert and the other may be an extrovert. At first, you admired these qualities about each other but as the years go by and you settle into a life together your different natures may begin to cause conflict that manifests in the same argument. “Why can we never go out together?”
The difference between healthy and unhealthy arguing
Some people are surprised to find that some fighting in a relationship is good and healthy. If a couple never fights it may not necessarily be a good thing. A complete absence of conflict may indicate an imbalance of power where one is afraid of upsetting the other and so agrees with everything and does whatever he or she can to keep the peace.
It is healthy to express disagreements. Arguments can be conducted in a productive way or they can be poisonous and destructive. A poisonous argument is delivered with an intention to hurt the other person. There can be belittling, insulting, devaluing or even name-calling.
In contrast, a healthy argument has a different intention, there is a desire to find common ground, to be heard while trying to understand the other person. In a healthy argument, although frustration may be felt, the goal for each partner is for both sides to be happy.
Consider couples counseling
John DelGrosso MA, LMFT, is a Christian counselor and coach with more than twenty years experience helping individuals, couples and families, escape the vicious cycle of unhappy relationships, anxiety, and depression, revitalize their lives and learn to live in joyful obedience to Jesus Christ.
John DelGrosso has sessions with clients in locations in West Covina, Chino, Pasadena, and La Habra, CA as well as online and over the phone.